AL East:
Boston Red Sox (54-34) = Monsters vs. Aliens ($197M)
Dreamworks has been putting out successful animated movies consistently for several years now, very similar to Epstein and his Boston Red Sox. Plus the team has 2 players that can be confused for a monster and an alien.
New York Yankees (51-37) = Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ($339M)
Both are high budget and if there is any team that transformed this offseason it was the Yankees. They added the top hitting and top pitching free agent and both have helped tremendously. And both have been very successful.
Tampa Bay Rays (48-41) = Fast & Furious ($155M)
If there's any team that fits this title, it's the Rays. They are fast with 2 of the top 4 base stealers in the league (Crawford -44, Upton - 31). And they are furious with 3 mashers in the top 30 in homeruns (Pena -22, Longoria - 17, Zobrist - 17).
Toronto Blue Jays (44-46) = Away We Go ($7M)
If "Away We Go" didn't come out in the same 3 week span as "The Proposal", "Transformers" and "The Hangover", it might have done okay for itself. Just like, if the Blue Jays weren't in the same division as the Red Sox, Yankees and Rays, they could possibly compete on a yearly basis. Poor John Krasinski and Roy Halladay.
Baltimore Orioles (40-48) = Year One ($38M)
It takes more than just throwing Jack Black and Michael Cera together and hoping they can carry the whole movie. The Orioles know that as well, after failing year after year to each compete for third place. Now they've assembled some young talent with Adam Jones, Nick Markakis, Nolan Reimold and Matt Weiters. But it's just the start of their rebuilding, at least that's what Orioles fans are hoping.
AL Central:
Detroit Tigers (48-39) = X-Men Origins: Wolverine ($178M)
The Tigers are winning a division that is 21 games under .500 as a whole. They are a good, but not great team, being 12th in the MLB in runs scored and 8th in ERA. "X-Men Origins" cleaned up the first 3 weeks it was out, going up against "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" and "Next Day Air". But once "Star Trek" and "Angels & Demons" were released, "X-Men Origins" easily dropped out of the top 5.
Chicago White Sox (45-43) = He's Just Not That Into You ($93M)
Both the White Sox and the movie have done alright for themselves this year. The reason for the comparison? Manger Ozzie Guillen. Earlier this month, Guillen stated, "I hope I got 25 guys who hate my fucking guts and give me another ring. What do I want 25 guys to love my ass, eat in my house, drink together and we're in last place?..I'm not here to make friends." So chances are, Ozzie is just not that into you.
Minnesota Twins (45-44) = Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs ($119M)
For some reason, animated movies always do well at the box office, and for some reason the Twins always compete for the division. It doesn't matter what the movie is about just like it doesn't matter who is starting at shortstop for the Twins, at the end of the day, they produce. I mean, Nick Punto? C'mon, the guy is hitting .201!
Kansas City Royals (37-51) = The Soloist ($31M)
An underachieving team with one star. It's pretty easy to conclude, Zack Greinke is The Soloist.
An underachieving team with one star. It's pretty easy to conclude, Zack Greinke is The Soloist.
Cleveland Indians (35-54) = Land of the Lost ($47M)
For the past couple years, many baseball experts have chosen the Indians to win the division, and some have even picked them to go to the World Series. The Indians haven't even come close, and that isn't going to change this year. Cleveland is officially the land of the lost.
AL West:
Los Angeles Angels (49-37) = Night at the Museum 2 ($170)
One star and a revolving door of supporting casts. Ben Stiller added Amy Adams and Hank Azaria, while Vlad Guerrero added Bobby Abreu and Torii Hunter, the previous year. And despite the change in cast, both have remained very successful.
Texas Rangers (48-39) = Angels & Demons ($131M)
The Rangers season depends on how well Josh Hamilton handles his angels and demons. As long as he stays clean and healthy, they should have one of the best offenses in the MLB and compete in their weak division.
Seattle Mariners (46-42) = I Love You, Man ($71M)
For this one, I'm just going to quote the News Tribune's Larry LaRue:
Ichiro Suzuki spreads a towel on the carpeted floor in front of his locker, lies on his back and begins doing stretching exercises. From Ichiro's blind side, Ken Griffey Jr. pounces, gets his hands deep under Ichiro's armpits and digs in with his fingers. Ichiro's laughter is almost childlike – genuine and uncontrolled – and after about five seconds he screams the magic word to make Griffey stop." Griffin, the trainer, said walking through the clubhouse in that final hour before a game, Ichiro and Junior can be a bit unnerving. "Sometimes they'll each be at their locker, just staring at one another," he said.
Oakland Athletics (37-49) = Confessions of a Shopaholic ($44M)
GM Billy Beane went for it all this offseason going on a shopping spree. He traded a top prospect for left fielder Matt Holliday. He signed former All-Star free agents, Jason Giambi and Orlando Cabrera. Yet, his team has bombed, much like the movie about a woman who shops too much. At least, the Athletics had some type of chance.
NL East:
Philadelphia Phillies (48-38) = Terminator Salvation ($123M)
The Phillies offense has been unkind to opposing pitchers with Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Raul Ibanez and Jayson Werth all making the All-Star team. If any team can be compared to Terminators, its the Phillies who lead the NL in runs scored.
Florida Marlins (46-44) = Watchmen ($107M)
The tag line for "Watchmen" was 'Who will watch the Watchmen?'. The tag line for Florida should be, "No one watches the Marlins". They are having a decent year and are still dead last in attendance not even selling out 50% of their seats for games.
Atlanta Braves (43-45) = Gran Torino ($138M)
A grumpy old man surrounded by young people in a changing neighborhood. Sounds like Bobby Cox and the Braves to me.
New York Mets (42-45) = Public Enemies ($66M)
Both the Mets and "Public Enemies" got out of the gate very quickly. Then the Mets fell off, falling from 1st place to 4th place during the month of June. "Public Enemies" started off making $25M its first weekend out, then fell to $13M the next weekend. Plus, when the Mets struggle it seems they are considered public enemies in New York, as can be seen these days at Citi Field with the booing becoming louder each game.
Washington Nationals (26-61) = The Objective ($95.00 American)
The Nationals have fined a player for being late because he was signing autographs for kids. They misspelled President Teddy Roosevelt's name on a bobble head they gave away. They misspelled their own name on their uniforms. And now they are on pace for 100 losses. "The Objective" was a horror film that came out in February and made $95. I mean, even if half the cast went to see the movie, it would make much more than $95. It's like 7 adults, 4 senior citizens and 1 child went to see this movie in the entire United States of America. The Nationals and "The Objective" seem like a great fit.
NL Central:
St. Louis Cardinals (49-42) = Taken ($145M)
Both the team and the movie were carried by one bad ass. Albert Pujols for the Cardinals and Liam Neeson for "Taken". Replace either of these men with anyone else, and their team/movie are not where they are right now. First place for the Cardinals, and a top 10 grossing movie for Taken.
Milwaukee Brewers (45-43) = Paul Blart: Mall Cop ($146M)
A fat, mustached man steps up to save the day. Prince Fielder has been on fire and is a huge reason the Brewers are still competing for the division. Kevin James uses his courage and extra pounds to take down mall thieves. Seems like these two are one in the same.
Chicago Cubs (43-43) = The Hangover ($222M)
It seems like the Cubs woke up this year, and had no clue what the hell happened. They can't hit or field. They immediately followed a 5 game winning streak with an 8 game losing streak. It seems they have no idea how to correct it either. Hopefully, they can retrace their steps and try to figure out what happened in the first half. Not at the table Carlos.
Houston Astros (44-44) = State of Play ($37M)
Both of these two have the names to compete. The Astros have Oswalt, Lee, Tejada, Pence and Berkman. "State of Play" had Crowe, Affleck, Daniels, McAdams and Bateman. But for some reason, neither could put it together. Well the Astros reason is because they started Brian Moehler and Russ Ortiz.
Cincinnati Reds (42-45) = Knowing ($79M)
The success of "Knowing" lies on the shoulders of washed up actor, Nicolas Cage and the success of the Reds lies on the shoulders of washed up manager Dusty Baker. Neither of these two seem to know what they are doing. At least the Reds can fix their problem. But "Knowing" will always star Nicolas Cage.
Pittsburgh Pirates (38-50) = Drag Me to Hell ($41M)
Its what all players think when they find out they've been traded to the Pirates who haven't been to the playoffs in 29 years, and that doesn't this year.
NL West:
Los Angeles Dodgers (56-32) = Bruno ($30M)
Two successful enterprises led by bizarre characters. Manny Ramirez has high-fived a fan after making a jumping catch, as well as left the playing field to go to the bathroom. Bruno has crashed a fashion show wearing a Velcro outfit and also made out with another man while fighting in a mixed martial arts match. Bruno may be more eccentric than Ramirez, but both are one of a kind in their respective situations.
San Francisco Giants (49-39) = UP ($273M)
Not many people saw this coming. The Giants haven't finished above 3rd place in 4 years, and coming into this season with a roster full of unknowns, it looked like that streak would continue. But thanks to incredible pitching they are currently leading the Wild Card. An adventure with a grumpy old man and a curious youngster? Sounds like the Giants 2009 season with Randy Johnson and Tim Lincecum.
Colorado Rockies (47-41) = The Proposal ($113M)
The plot of each, an old star (Todd Helton/Sandra Bullock) and a decent young star (Brad Hawpe/Ryan Reynolds) are involved in this cute story. Both the team and movie start off rocky, and have their ups and downs, but in the end everything comes out okay. But just okay, nothing more than that.
Arizona Diamondbacks (38-51) = The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 ($61M)
Both of these were slated to do well, but flopped. The Diamondbacks had to deal with the loss of Brandon Webb, while "The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3" had to deal with the fact that Travolta may be past his prime for action movies.
San Diego Padres (36-52) = Crank 2: High Voltage ($13M)
Both knew they never had a chance so they didn't try too hard...
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